Trump's Mysterious Hospital Visit Explained

Donald Trump has Hemorrhoid Removed

Hemorrhoid thanks proctologist

Bethesda, MD - A physician attending to his care on Saturday confirmed today that Mr. Trump's surprise hospital visit was for a routine matter that should not be concerning to the American people. A single, large hemorrhoid was removed while Mr. Trump was under light sedation at the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland.

"Last Saturday, a routine hemorrhoidectomy was performed without complication," Chief Medical Officer Rolf Grossburger acknowledged. He reported that directly upon completion of the procedure he had reassured a small group of well-wishers who were present, some of whom had paid as much as $50,000 to secure a coveted ringside seat on short notice in the surgical theatre. "Without complication, although I should add that the anoscope disclosed a set of long-missing keys to a gold 1978 Cadillac Eldorado Biarritz that our surgical team was able to remove without additional trauma to the surrounding, already swollen sphincter tissue," Dr. Grossburger said with a wink.

A source who was present and who wishes to remain anonymous provided Trump News with further details of what transpired:

© 2020 Merck Sharp & Dohme Corp.; not Donald Trump's actual hemorrhoid

"It really was a fantastic experience for all of us and well worth the fifty grand. Doctors were able to remove the hemorrhoid intact - it was amazing!"

As onlookers recoiled in disgust, assisting physician Dr. David Kutzwell apparently had wielded a pair of forceps dangling the excised mass of bloody vascular tissue, and the hemorrhoid was heard to gasp, "You cannot possibly know how grateful I am to finally be liberated from that asshole!"

A spokesperson for the hemorrhoid said that it will require a brief hospital stay in the recovery wing, and possibly years of treatment for PTSD, but that it "looks forward to putting this whole distasteful chapter of his life behind him." 

The soon-to-be-impeached Mr. Trump's ability to tweet remains unimpaired and he is expected to make a full reovery .